Getting Started with Polyamory
Polyamory is an increasingly popular way to explore relationships, with more and more people choosing to open up their relationships to multiple partners. It's also an incredibly complex and nuanced landscape to navigate.
If you're considering polyamory, it's important to take the time to understand the dynamics of your current relationship, communicate openly with your partners, and be prepared for any challenges that may arise. With the right preparation and communication, polyamory can be a rewarding and fulfilling experience for all involved.
Know Thyself
When exploring polyamory, it is essential to ensure that you are emotionally and mentally prepared. Think of your polyamorous journey as a voyage into uncharted territory. The best way to ensure your journey is successful is to learn from those who have taken the journey before.
One of the most common pieces of advice that comes from thought leaders in polyamory is to know who you are, what you want, and why you want it.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What do I love about my current relationships and friendships?
- How can my life be improved by adding a polyamorous dynamic?
- How have I dealt with jealousy in the past?
- What insecurities have I dealt with in the past?
Once you have a good sense of your identity and how you can relate to others, you can start looking out to your environment.
Know your Capacity
It's also important to consider practical matters such as finances and time management when considering a polyamorous lifestyle. You may have new challenges that arise in a poly dynamic.
Time is one of the key constraints in all dynamics. A common adage said by poly folk is:
Love is infinite, time is not
Take an account of your responsibilities to your work, your home, and your family. Determine what your schedule would look like if you added a new relationship.
Do you feel overwhelmed? Excited? Uncertain?
Do this exercise before considering a new partner so you can set expectations from the onset. One of the great advantages of polyamorous relationships is that there is no fixed time box for a relationship. Some partners see each other daily, some every other week, and some only when the stars (or ) align.
Money is another factor to consider when jumping back into the dating pool. Do you want to go out for dinner and drinks frequently? Or are you a homemade dinner and board games type of person? It's important to consider your financial landscape and communicate what fits into your budget.
Another factor to consider in poly relationships is where you will have sex, or if you will have sex at all. If you share a bed with a nesting partner, will they be ok with you using your shared bed with others? If not, you can consider other alternatives. Your new partner can offer to host, or you can arrange for a hotel room.
Know your Relationships
When considering polyamory, you need to consider your current relationships, friendships, and family. Adding a new person to one of these groups can cause upheaval, especially without preparation and considered care.
If you are in a monogamous relationship now, you will have an entirely different road ahead of you than if you are single. We have an entire guide on "talking to your partner about polyamory" (TODO).
You may also consider how your friends and family will respond to your new partner. Polyamory is a concept many people are familiar with but don't fully understand. Do you want to spend time explaining your relationships, or would you prefer to keep the details private? It's important to know this now as many poly people have different levels of "out"ness. Some choose to keep their relationships private while others may be fully out for the world to know.
Next Steps
Once you have a basic understanding of yourself, your environment, and your relationships, it's time to start building your education.
This website can act as a starting point to help you find your bearings in the topics, resources, and community.
Explore the other guides, concepts, and resources. Empower yourself with the learnings of other people who've walked down this road before. You'll still make mistakes along the way, but you can avoid a lot of the common pitfalls by knowing about them ahead of time.
Explore the resources that work for you.
Do you enjoy books? We've got those.
Opening Up
Tristan Taormino
Designer Relationships
Mark A. Michaels, Patricia Johnson
The Ethical Slut
Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy
Love podcasts? Oh yea, lots of great voices out there.
Multiamory
A podcast that offers support and advice for modern relationships. Whether you are monogamous, polyamorous, swinging, casually dating, or if you just do relationships differently, we see you and we’re here for you.
Probably Poly
Navigating the ethics of interpersonal relationships through the lens of polyamory and existential ethics.
Polyamory Weekly
Minx and her listeners discuss loving more and polyamory, the lifestyle of being involved in more than one committed, long-term, loving relationship with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. In this community-driven show, each week Minx talks sex, relationships, communication, family, erotica, psychology, orgasms and anything else that comes up in the ins and outs of the daily polyamorous lifestyle.
Making Polyamory Work
Making Polyamory Work exists to help folks write new scripts - ones that help your relationships be more nourishing, more functional, more authentic, and full of love.
Happy Polydays
The Happy Polydays project is a series of intimate conversations
Like to follow the latest news? Check out
More of a "get to the point" type of person? Use this website, or explore some of the social media thought leaders.
Three Rules to Guide You Going Forward
- Be excellent to each other
- Assume positive intent
- When in doubt, always ask