Help! My Partner Wants an Open Relationship

It happened. Your partner brought up the idea of an open relationship.

It's normal to feel scared and hesitant about this big change. What comes next will be difficult for both of you to process. Here are some steps you can take to navigate your partner's request.

Process your emotions

First and foremost, take a moment to process your emotions.

If your partner approached you about an open relationship, thank them for their honesty and vulnerability, then ask for some space to process.

Thank you for coming to me with this request. I know it must have been scary for you. I need to take some time to process.

It's okay to mourn the end of one relationship and the start of another. Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist about your feelings. Journaling can also be helpful in getting your thoughts out on paper. Remember, it's important to take care of yourself before you can take care of your relationship.

Ask your partner what they hope to achieve with an open relationship

It's important to understand why your partner wants an open relationship.

Do they have a specific crush they want to pursue?

Have they been cheating and want to be honest going forward?

Did they have a realization about their identity?

Do they want something that is currently not being met or not possible with the current relationship?

Understanding their motivations can help you both move forward in a healthy way.

Opening Up has a self evaluation

If you are considering an open relationship, first evaluate yourself thoroughly and honestly to determine whether venturing beyond monogamy is right for you.

Chapter 3 of the book includes questions for you to contemplate, write about in a journal, or talk about with a friend, partner, or therapist.

Resource: Opening Up

that might be good to fill out to help you get clarity on your beliefs, wants, and needs.

Address any issues of trust

If your partner wants an open relationship as a result of cheating, you will need to address that issue first. The path to a successful open relationship is built on trust, so you need to work through this violation of trust before proceeding.

Seek the help of a couples therapist if necessary. Do not take advice from people on the internet. This is a time to call in the pros.

Use nonviolent communication (NVC) to discuss what each of you want from the relationship

NVC

Through stories, examples and role-plays, this cornerstone book provides a deep understanding of the core components of the NVC process and consciousness.

Nonviolent Communication

is a way of communicating that focuses on expressing feelings and needs in a non-threatening way. Use this template to guide your conversation:

1. Observation - "When I [see, hear]..."
2. Feeling - " I feel..."
3. Need - "Because I need..."
4. Request - "Would you be willing to..."

A PDF guide

A PDF guide to help guide you to express how you are, or it can be used to empathically receive how another is.

4-Part Nonviolent Communication Process PDFResource: Nonviolent Communication

from the author is available on their website.

A few examples:
"When we go to our friend’s house, you spend a lot of time talking to Amanda. I feel invisible when you do this because I don’t connect with the other folks as well as you and Amanda. Would you be willing to check in with me periodically?"

"I've noticed that I haven't tried to initiate sex with you for a while, and I feel uncertain and disconnected as a result. I have a need for intimacy, connection, and sexual expression in our relationship. Would you be willing to have an open conversation about our sexual desires and explore ways we can reconnect and create a more fulfilling intimate connection?"

Once you've both expressed what you want and need from your relationship, you can evaluate what to do next.

Look into resources

Once you have a good idea of what each of you want, you can start digging into the specifics of each want, need, and issue.

For example, if one or both of you have expressed fear of jealousy, consider doing some exercises in the Jealousy Workbook

These accessible, simple techniques are designed to be easily implemented in the event of an intense jealousy crisis. They are even more useful if undertaken over a period of time before a jealousy crisis happens, to build a skill set that will be at hand to help managing jealousy when and if it does occur.

The Jealousy Workbook

.