Help! I Think I'm Polyamorous

How can I tell if I’m polyamorous?

Polyamory

The expansion of romantic relationships beyond two people with the consent and knowledge of all parties involved.

Polyamory

is a word with two meanings.

1. Identity - I am polyamorous. I seek relationships where I am not limited to one person at a time.
2. Relationship structure - I am in a relationship with two people at once.

Some people relate the relationship structure definition. They will consider the people in their lives as a reason for having an open relationship. It may be that you were really satisfied with your current partner until someone else came into your life. Check out the concept page on ambiamory

A relationships orientation where you could be either monogamous or multigamous, depending on factors like life stage, relationship structure, and state of mind.

Ambiamory

to see if it resonates with you.

Other people see polyamory as a core part of their identity. Their internal mental framework is oriented around the core idea that a romantic relationship doesn’t have to be a monolith that dictates with whom you sleep, live, and spend time.

This guide will focus on the identity definition.

A Quick Self Evaluation

Below are a few questions that might help you determine where you are with your identity.

Do you see hot people everywhere?

Framed as a bit of a joke, this question can help you frame how you find people attractive. For many poly folk, they will be attracted to a wide variety of people. They may want to have a different relationship for each one of their “types”. Maybe you are always open and curious with new people and you want to keep a door open to the possibility of something more.

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship?

One of the common stories that poly people share with each other is a time in their life that they were with a great partner, but couldn’t shake the feeling of being trapped by the limits of the relationship. This could be for a number of reasons, but some people felt as if their choices and freedoms were being limited in subtle ways through no fault of either partner.

Do you avoid getting too close to people that aren’t your partner?

This is a common tell for poly oriented people. Many poly folk have blurry lines between friendships and relationships. It’s quite possible for poly folk to slide relationships from one category to another. People who may be poly and not know it may feel anxiety when engaging in new friendships. There’s that background fear of growing too close to someone to the point where you feel like you’d be cheating on an established partner.

One defense mechanism to this is to avoid people and situations where intimacy can grow organically.

Do you get annoyed with RomComs?

“You don’t need to pick one! Love them both you beautiful idiot!”

This one comes up a lot in the cultural zeitgeist. One person, two suitable matches. But they must chose one in a dramatic and tear filled climax.

If your reaction to these types of stories has historically been “barf” (technical term), there’s a good chance you might be poly and not realize it.

A trap question

In other media, you might see a poly oriented questionnaire that asks you questions around jealousy.

Something like:

This is a trap. Do not engage.

There are poly people who experience jealousy and there are poly people who do not.

Jealousy and the fear surrounding it are likely more closely tied to attachment theory, which is independent of relationship structure or identity. Polysecure

A book that breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of multigamy. It provides a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships, and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory.

PolySecure

examines the intersection of attachment theory and polyamory.